SYAFC1...And No One Loves You.

Hey guys! It’s Anatole. We’re about to start something awesome. Every other Thursday, we will have a guest writer, The Masked Silhouette, post an article. They’re actually a collection of articles in the same theme- “So You’re A Fictional Character”. They’re like self-help guides for our make-believe buddies, and they’re hilarious. Enjoy!

So You’re A Fictional Character

And no one loves you.

By The Masked Silhouette.

So, you’re fictional. It’s okay, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about- some of my best friends are fictional characters (because, let’s be honest, there’s nothing more offensive than having ONE fictional friend). Being fictional is great. You can have one outfit for your entire life and it’s socially acceptable, you never age, you don’t have to pay taxes, and you can walk across an open, gaping abyss (provided you never glance downward). But, sometimes, being fictional can have its drawbacks. You don’t get Social Security benefits, you can get written out of existence, and (for some,) everyone hates you.

“So,” you ask yourself, and subsequently me, “What am I to do when my public image is on the down and down?” Well, making friends as an adult can be tough- and tougher yet if according to modern science, you don’t technically exist. What you need to do is brush up your charisma skills, break out your best smile, and get to networking. Of course, not all advice can apply to all widely- detested fantasy folk. So, follow this guide to find out what kind of beloathed character you are, and improve yourself accordingly.

-The Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off.

I think my long-time penpal, King Joffrey Baratheon said it best when he said, “Lordy-Loo, being famous is harder than shooting an expensive prostitute full of arrows to get off”. (Let’s get that on a T-Shirt).

And he couldn’t be more right. It’s tough to make people like you, and tougher yet to keep it that way. It’s especially tough when you’re a Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off. Running a kingdom is hard enough, plus you’ve got to budget time for torturing your 14-year-old fiancée, not moving your lips when you talk, and getting verbally castrated by your even crazy-ass-er grandfather. And then you’re expected to seem nice?

Then, there’s my great aunt’s secret lover, President Snow. Running the Hunger Games is a real bitch. 24 teenagers are all but impossible to control as is, but getting them to put down the One Direction, Proactive, and stolen Playboy’s for long enough to actually get some good ‘ol murdering done is a thankless job.

It’s a tough situation, but it can be managed by following these simple tips:

          -Avoid the ladies. If there’s one thing that can bring down a political jackass, it’s a woman. Sure, there are the types that are way smarter than you even knew was possible (re: Margery Baratheon), but if we’re being honest, they don’t even need to try that hard. Good old Uncle Snow was just leading another, average Hunger Games, when some broad from the projects jumped in. Cut to, he’s got a rebellion on his hands- and all she did was save her sister and feign affection for an obvious second-place-er. Watch out, fellas. Bitches be crazy.

          -Choose your allies carefully. With great power comes great responsibility, and most people need some friends to take a little weight off their shoulders. But choose those friends carefully, as some of them will try to straight-up murder you. Even if they don’t go that far, they could do a plethora of other things. They can sabotage you, try to take your place, sell your secrets, or change the amount of winners allowed in a yearly fight to the death, forcing you to make him kill himself, amazing beard and all.

          -Campaign. As political powergrabbers, you know the importance of a solid campaign. Make sure to advertise well, and above all, get a good slogan. Something short and simple that gets across your best attributes:

-The Over-Enthusiastic Employee.

 Being good at your job is usually a great quality to have. There are, however some people just might be taking things a smidge too seriously. Take, for instance, the man with whom I had a salacious love affair in the late 70’s, Sensei John Kreese from the Karate Kid. Sure, he would have had a child in a wheelchair for a fairly inconsequential reward, but I know from our month-long rendezvous in Paris that he’s actually a great guy. If he’s guilty of any crime, it’s the crime of being an Over-Enthusiastic Employee. Well, that and attempting to force his students to cause potentially permanent damage to minors. But let’s focus on the first one.

                                      My, how I loved you so.

Also under this category is my BFF, the most handsome person I have ever seen in my life, Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

           Look at that face! When did Ryan Gosling get here?

When you watch the movie, it’s easy to think that he’s the bad guy. But if you really think about it, what was it that he really did wrong? His job is to make sure his students receive a full education, and is it explicitly said anywhere that you can’t take that to a hilarious extreme? Maybe. But even if it doesn’t, people still take it a bad way. So, how do you get people to appreciate all your hard work? Well;

-Dial it back. Like, just one hair. I love the enthusiasm, but maybe before you do something drastic, you should take a step back and look at what’s really at stake here. I mean, Johnny, baby, you know I love you, but you teach karate to kids. This isn’t Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, okay? No one’s going to, like, kill your entire family if you lose (although that would have made that movie way more dramatic). Take it easy.

-Hang out around more adults. Both of my examples spend a weird amount of time around kids. Specifically, educating them. It makes a lot of sense that they do rather insane things, as education is one of the most stressful jobs ever. But, I can’t help but feel like you may have not gone to such great lengths if you had, like, one other adult friend, who was like “Dude, you probably shouldn’t go to this kids house just because he’s skipping school. You sound like a crazy person, and remember that you have many other students here. This kid isn’t even 1%. Is this really the biggest problem you have in life? My wife is leaving me for a yoga instructor. Not that you asked! I feel like we don’t talk anymore,” okay, that was not so good an example, but it would have been better than nothing.

-Call me. I miss you, Johnny. I love you. I have always loved you.

-The Unfortunate Unlikeables.

The Unfortunate Unlikeables are an unlucky bunch. It’s not that they do anything wrong, exactly. They’re just so easy to hate.

For example, there’s my nemesis-turned-accomplice Meg Griffin from Family Guy. She’s not a bad person, there’s nothing she does that in any way harms other people, and yet people still want to punch her in the face every time they see her. Or, there’s my cult’s messiah, Jerry from Parks and Rec. Not only does he not do anything bad, but often, he does good things. And yet, everyone around him (sans hot wife and kids) hate him.

If everyone around you hates everything you say for no reason, there really isn’t much you can do. If you try to redeem yourself, it will probably backfire. And, even if it goes off without a hitch, people will still hate you. Your entire character description is “comedic patsy”, and you may as well just accept that. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Except that, for you, it’s the only step.

-The Characters from Smash.

The only thing for you guys to do is move on with your lives and try to remember how good the pilot was.

                                                       It was okay.

Violence on TV.

Violence on TV. 

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 If you are a human being that does not live in a cave, you have probably noticed that there are a lot of television shows out there that show violence. I don’t feel like dragging out this intro, so to put it simply, here are some examples of some of the most violent shows, and whether or not the violence serves a purpose.

It should be noted that I left out Game of Thrones. It’s too obvious. 

 Hannibal, Heroes & Pushing Daisies:

Bryan Fuller, while perhaps not a household name, is pretty much televisions Quentin Tarantino. He’s got a specific, defined tone with everything he does. He can mix the dark and the whimsical with ease, like a less hilarious looking Tim Burton.

With the majority of his work, there’s a great deal of gore. I don’t mean just cool-fight-scenes-with-corn-syrup-blood, I mean sawing-heads-open-and-using-corpses-as-musical-instruments. Shit goes down in his shows. Take, for instance, Heroes. We all know how wildly successful it was (well, season one, anyway, and that’s as long as Fuller stayed on), and we all also remember how we would cringe at the thought of Sylar.

                                                                 NOOOOOOOOO!

The way he would hide in the shadows, the way he crept into that high school at night to murder a teenage girl, and, of course, the way, with the wave of his hand, he could saw into your skull and take your best qualities (so…was he eating it, or what? Did they ever say? Did anyone finish the series? I have so many questions). It gave the series a horror-like edge, and as audience, we find it enticing.

Then came Pushing Daisies. If you have not seen it yet, then I urge you to promptly close your computer, remove your eyeglasses if you wear them, and punch yourself in the face. This show is the best. Just the absolute best. It’s its very own delightful little world, full of bright colors and strange people and more murders then any singular small town should ever have. However, it also shows at least one corpse per episode, usually more, and they’re pretty graphic. In the pilot, there was a man who was missing the majority of his face.

And yet, the show doesn’t feel very horror-y, or even all that gory. Its overall tone is this very cutesy, magical thing. The balance between those two extremes keeps the violence on the show from being too offensive to the audience.  

Then, there’s Hannibal. This is one of the best written and casted shows out there. If you’ve never seen it, I know what you’re thinking. “Val, there’s no way it can be as good as Silence of the Lambs. How can they get someone to make as good a Dr. Lector as Anthony Hopkins?”

                                                          Oh, that’s how.

It’s a great show, however, it also has a lot of weird stuff. Actually, no, weird is when your total at a café is $12.12. Weird is when you smell fresh-baked bread even though your oven is reserved for storage. Here is an unorganized list of things that are by no means “weird”:

Peeling off someone’s back to extend their lungs outward like wings. Making a totem pole out of dissembled corpses of people you murdered. Killing someone, forcing the neck of a cello into their throat, and playing their vocal chords like an instrument (no matter how good it sounds-not cool). Almost killing several people, but keeping them alive to use as fertilizer for your mushroom farm. Assisting a clearly disturbed special agent in his cases while also giving him a psychological evaluation, even as you copycat other murders and eat people, mostly just to screw with him, and also act as a bizarre father figure (uninvited) to an almost-adult with strange, vaguely sexual undertones until you kill her and frame the aforementioned clearly disturbed special agent.

That isn’t weird. It’s barely even okay for the writers (I mean, is it just me, or does any one else think whoever wrote this stuff should maybe talk to a professional? No? We’re all just gonna look the other way here? Okay, whatever...).

A lot of other shows will imply bad things happening, but then pan away and cut to the next scene. This show does not. If something happens to a character, you will be forced to watch it. I mean, sure, in theory you could stop watching it, or at least glance away, but if you’ve seen the show you know you can’t. It’s like a car crash- it’s terrible, but you can’t stop watching even when it starts giving you clinical-grade depression that this guy was in Confessions of a Shopaholic.

But let’s take a look at that for a moment. I mean, yeah they show some messed up things, but imagine, if you will, what it would be like if they didn’t show that stuff? Think about it- the most terrifying Edgar Allen Poe works are the ones where he doesn’t explicitly say how it ends. Why? Because he knows that there is absolutely nothing he could ever write that would be more terrifying on an individual level then what each person can come up with themselves. Plus, then you’ve got the added sting of knowing that you’re the screwed-up person that came up with it. Could you imagine how awful it would be if they forced you to picture the throat-instrument on your own? It would be way worse than just showing it themselves.

If they ever pan away from something, I think it would scar me for life. How deplorable must something be for this show to class it up?

Bottom Line: The violence is plentiful, but either benefits the show, or at least is better than the alternative. Also, marry me, Bryan Fuller.

American Horror Story-Coven: 

In the opening scene of the pilot, we take a look at a torture attic. A slave owner has many slaves in cages. One guy literally has shit sewn into his mouth (a practice she apparently later applies to one of her own daughters. On Christmas. You know, like Santa does.) She puts the head of a bull on this guy, and cuts out people’s inner organs, and killed the baby of her housemaid. And this is just one character. There’s also a magic death vagina; the torturing of a mute, mentally disturbed, possibly perverse (although maybe just lonely?) butler; zombies sawed into pieces (in one of their tamer scenes); an undead frat boy bludgeoning his sexually abusive mother to death; and a burning at the stake.

But, let’s be honest, if you watch the show you know it’s totally worth it. Perhaps pushing it a little, yes, and maybe you turn away at times (I’ve never actually seen the opening scene all the way through), but the show is a badass. Like sulking-in-a-corner-smoking-a-cigarette-wearing-a-black-leather-jacket-driving-away-from-an-explosion-on-a-stolen-motercycle-I-can’t-believe-the-same-guy-made-Glee-badass.

Bottom Line: Set your DVR’s, but remember that it’s totally dignified to sleep with the light on that night.

Scandal: 

With one of the main characters on the show being a former(?) torturer (for more information on becoming a torturer, go to your local job fair!), it is not particularly surprising that there is a fair amount of torture-related gore depicted. But in the most recent episode (Obviously, SPOILERS), they showed Liv's imprisoned mother... how do I put this gently... eating her own wrist to kill herself. So, pretty much, a masturbatory, suicidal Hannibal.  

                                 Twice in one article- doin good, buddy!
 

Now, with most of the gore that they put in this show, it makes sense. It helps us to sympathize with Huck much better. I mean, if they cut away every time he tied someone up, you’d be like “Well, it seems like that’s not a big deal”. But when we watch him drilling into someone’s spleen, we can’t help but want to hug him like a small, fluffy puppy.

                                        Above: how we react to torture. 
 

But did watching a woman go down on her wrists like a rack of ribs really help anything? I mean, couldn’t they have shown her in a hospital bed and just had Daddy Pope talking to the doctor to tell us what went down? Would that have been so terrible? I don’t think it helped the plot, and it mostly felt like they wanted to let the actor show off a little bit.

What’s more, I don’t think that’s as bad as it’s going to be this season. We’re not that far in yet, and Scandal’s got a bit of a habit of topping itself. Take, if you will, the previews for next episode. We know there will be some crazy-ass plot twists (we know this because it’s AN EPISODE OF SCANDAL), and it clearly showed some torture (as foreshadowed) between Huck and Quinn. Now, I don’t know how this will play out gore-wise, but it’s still probably going to be the most intense torture scene they’ve shown. I mean, with all the other times, it’s either been A) on orders, B) between strangers, or C) between people who dislike each other (Huck and Charlie, in case you’ve forgotten). But this time, Huck’s just acting on his own, and, honestly, I feel like he could just have a conversation with her about it (“Say, ol’ buddy, ‘ol pal, are you by any chance working for B613?” “Aww, you got me!), AND there’s always been a slightly romantic, or at least very friendly, connection between them. However, these characters are not meant to be idealistic, and it makes sense that Huck’s first reaction to a suspected betrayal would be tarps and knives, rather then a bottle of tanqueray and some amicable chit-chat. So, for the show, I’m glad to see it will get dark, but based on the previews, it may get flat-out weird. (Did... Did he lick her face? Because, Shonda, baby, there's been enough rape-y things this season, thankyouverymuch). 

Bottom Line: 99% of the time, it helps the plot, but sometimes it feels like they’re explicit just for the sake of pushing the envelope, which is a little bit lazy.

      The Voice: 

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Val, honey, sweetheart, highlight of my day, apple of my eye, light of my life, goddess among humans, surely you have written that wrong. The voice isn't violent. It isn't even scripted!"
 

And you would be right. To the untrained eye, it may appear as just another singing competition. But if my daily letters to the producers have paid off (and, really, it's only a matter of time), if won't be long until they come out with a scripted spin-off:

In a world where you have to give everything to make it big, what will happen when one person takes it too far? (You should have read that in a Vincent Price voice. Charlie Day also acceptable).

Six aspiring singers. Four suspicious coaches. One murder! When one of the contestants drops dead halfway through Roxanne (you don’t have to put on the WHAT!?! What doesn't she have to put on!?!?!?!), will the remaining contestants be able to figure out whodunit- before it's too late? They know they have one week before the killer strikes again. Can they find out Who Silenced The Voice? (Title under reconsideration.)  

Is it the boozy southerner with a penchant for plaid...and revenge? Or the blonde bombshell whose public image took one too many hits? Or the eccentric and unpredictable one, who's also currently on trial? Or is it the tattoo-happy perpetual badass with a possible helium addiction? Let's hope they find out before The Fat Lady Sings. (Title under reconsideration.)   

  My money's on Levine.   

We’ll kill off one character an episode, and keep people changing who they think the killer is (SPOILERS: It’s Carson.)

                                      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bottom Line: You’re welcome, NBC. 

Happy Holidays, guys. Oh, and soon we’re going to have a special guest writer. It’s gonna be awesome.

                                                             -Kisses, V.