So You’re A Fictional Character
And no one loves you.
By The Masked Silhouette.
So, you’re fictional. It’s okay, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about- some of my best friends are fictional characters (because, let’s be honest, there’s nothing more offensive than having ONE fictional friend). Being fictional is great. You can have one outfit for your entire life and it’s socially acceptable, you never age, you don’t have to pay taxes, and you can walk across an open, gaping abyss (provided you never glance downward). But, sometimes, being fictional can have its drawbacks. You don’t get Social Security benefits, you can get written out of existence, and (for some,) everyone hates you.
“So,” you ask yourself, and subsequently me, “What am I to do when my public image is on the down and down?” Well, making friends as an adult can be tough- and tougher yet if according to modern science, you don’t technically exist. What you need to do is brush up your charisma skills, break out your best smile, and get to networking. Of course, not all advice can apply to all widely- detested fantasy folk. So, follow this guide to find out what kind of beloathed character you are, and improve yourself accordingly.
-The Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off.
I think my long-time penpal, King Joffrey Baratheon said it best when he said, “Lordy-Loo, being famous is harder than shooting an expensive prostitute full of arrows to get off”. (Let’s get that on a T-Shirt).
And he couldn’t be more right. It’s tough to make people like you, and tougher yet to keep it that way. It’s especially tough when you’re a Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off. Running a kingdom is hard enough, plus you’ve got to budget time for torturing your 14-year-old fiancée, not moving your lips when you talk, and getting verbally castrated by your even crazy-ass-er grandfather. And then you’re expected to seem nice?
Then, there’s my great aunt’s secret lover, President Snow. Running the Hunger Games is a real bitch. 24 teenagers are all but impossible to control as is, but getting them to put down the One Direction, Proactive, and stolen Playboy’s for long enough to actually get some good ‘ol murdering done is a thankless job.
It’s a tough situation, but it can be managed by following these simple tips:
-Avoid the ladies. If there’s one thing that can bring down a political jackass, it’s a woman. Sure, there are the types that are way smarter than you even knew was possible (re: Margery Baratheon), but if we’re being honest, they don’t even need to try that hard. Good old Uncle Snow was just leading another, average Hunger Games, when some broad from the projects jumped in. Cut to, he’s got a rebellion on his hands- and all she did was save her sister and feign affection for an obvious second-place-er. Watch out, fellas. Bitches be crazy.
-Choose your allies carefully. With great power comes great responsibility, and most people need some friends to take a little weight off their shoulders. But choose those friends carefully, as some of them will try to straight-up murder you. Even if they don’t go that far, they could do a plethora of other things. They can sabotage you, try to take your place, sell your secrets, or change the amount of winners allowed in a yearly fight to the death, forcing you to make him kill himself, amazing beard and all.
-The Over-Enthusiastic Employee.
Being good at your job is usually a great quality to have. There are, however some people just might be taking things a smidge too seriously. Take, for instance, the man with whom I had a salacious love affair in the late 70’s, Sensei John Kreese from the Karate Kid. Sure, he would have had a child in a wheelchair for a fairly inconsequential reward, but I know from our month-long rendezvous in Paris
My, how I loved you so.
Also under this category is my BFF, the most handsome person I have ever seen in my life, Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Look at that face! When did Ryan Gosling get here?
When you watch the movie, it’s easy to think that he’s the bad guy. But if you really think about it, what was it that he really did wrong? His job is to make sure his students receive a full education, and is it explicitly said anywhere that you can’t take that to a hilarious extreme? Maybe. But even if it doesn’t, people still take it a bad way. So, how do you get people to appreciate all your hard work? Well;
-Dial it back. Like, just one hair. I love the enthusiasm, but maybe before you do something drastic, you should take a step back and look at what’s really at stake here. I mean, Johnny, baby, you know I love you, but you teach karate to kids. This isn’t Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, okay? No one’s going to, like, kill your entire family if you lose (although that would have made that movie way more dramatic). Take it easy.
-Hang out around more adults. Both of my examples spend a weird amount of time around kids. Specifically, educating them. It makes a lot of sense that they do rather insane things, as education is one of the most stressful jobs ever. But, I can’t help but feel like you may have not gone to such great lengths if you had, like, one other adult friend, who was like “Dude, you probably shouldn’t go to this kids house just because he’s skipping school. You sound like a crazy person, and remember that you have many other students here. This kid isn’t even 1%. Is this really the biggest problem you have in life? My wife is leaving me for a yoga instructor. Not that you asked! I feel like we don’t talk anymore,” okay, that was not so good an example, but it would have been better than nothing.
-Call me. I miss you, Johnny. I love you. I have always loved you.
-The Unfortunate Unlikeables.
The Unfortunate Unlikeables are an unlucky bunch. It’s not that they do anything wrong, exactly. They’re just so easy to hate.
For example, there’s my nemesis-turned-accomplice Meg Griffin from Family Guy. She’s not a bad person, there’s nothing she does that in any way harms other people, and yet people still want to punch her in the face every time they see her. Or, there’s my cult’s messiah, Jerry from Parks and Rec. Not only does he not do anything bad, but often, he does good things. And yet, everyone around him (sans hot wife and kids) hate him.
If everyone around you hates everything you say for no reason, there really isn’t much you can do. If you try to redeem yourself, it will probably backfire. And, even if it goes off without a hitch, people will still hate you. Your entire character description is “comedic patsy”, and you may as well just accept that. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Except that, for you, it’s the only step.
-The Characters from Smash.
The only thing for you guys to do is move on with your lives and try to remember how good the pilot was.
It was okay.
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