The Voice week 2

Welcome Back

The Voice’s second week

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

Popcorn that magically gets better with age.

I was wrong about The Voice. I honestly thought it was beginning to slowly drift away. But just when I was beginning to lose hope, The Voice makes a comeback before it even started sucking. I love you, The Voice. You’re so cool. I was going to give you 5 stars, but I like being the father that will never be proud of you. You got all A’s on your report card? Hmm, the Smith’s boy got all A+’s.

Anyway, welcome back home without even having  left.

So, Monday’s show really got me hooked. I mean, this season is still sort of accidentally dedicated to good voices not attached to star personalities, and there were still plenty of those, but still. Most of them were just mediocrely impressive, such as Brian Scartocci, who looks like Stanley Tucci impersonating Chris Daughtry and working as a day manager for Best Buy.

But there were some real talents, and a lot of potential. First off, there was Kelly Crapa (Do not make a joke about her last name, must not make a joke about her last name…). Now I’m not the biggest fan of country music, by which I mean it has no place in existence as far as I’m concerned, but she was good, and she looked like Ashley Greene. Not that that effects her voice, I just wanted to share my thoughts. There was also Alessandra Guercio, who I easily could have hated, but I don’t. She’s one of those people who is really, unashamedly confident, so some people think she’s conceited. Now, she may be conceited, I can’t tell yet, but I don’t think so. And her voice is beautiful, aside from the terrible song choice. She should sing Somebody That I Used To   Know set just to her voice and dramatic harp playing. That would be really amazing. Paulina was another one of those that they rushed through, but go listen to that clip of her on iTunes. Right now. Go. Good, right? She has so much potential. I am really looking forward to seeing what she does next.

And then there was Melanie Martinez. Melanie “Foot Tambourine” Martinez. Melanie “Daphne Guinness Hair” Martinez. She sounds like a haunting Minnie Mouse, and it’s not just the bow in her hair. I hope she wins, I really do. I would so buy her album if she made one. I would love to hear her do Smooth Criminal. But, really, she could sing me the Atlanta Phonebook and I’d be happy. Wow, just wow.

Speaking of “wow”, there was Nicholas David. First off, I automatically don’t like people with 2 first names. Second, he looks like a methed-out Santa. I was like, wow, anyone this weird must be able to sing. Nope. All the back-ally-behind-a-Toys-R-Us-drug-dealer with none of the talent.

There was also that Cupid guy. If he had done a slow version of that song, just to piano, or even a different song entirely, it would have been good. Nice try, honey.

And then there was Beat Frequency, who did E.T. Before their performance, I hated them. They are weird, and she so soooooo shot out, it’s ridiculous. But their voices, together, were amazing. I’ve never really like the duo’s, but they may just go far.

At some point, they showed a clip of Christina Agulera’s new single “Your Body”. It’s a little slow for her, but really good. Looks like The Voice isn’t the only one making it’s way back home. Welcome back, Christina, welcome back. We’ve missed you.

The second episode of the week was a little more mundane, but I’ll probably think that of every episode that doesn’t heavily feature Melanie “Cutest Tooth Gap Ever” Martinez. Seriously girl, I love you. No one was bad, no one was exceptional. I look forward to seeing what they do, though.

All this said, Blake is getting on my nerves. You're on my list Shelton...

So far, the ones I’m really watching for are Melanie “Best Toxic Remix Ever” Martinez, Paulina, Lisa Schinta, MarissaAnn, Beat Frequency, and Alessandra Guercio. Bryan Keith will go far, but he won’t win.

Also, I know last week, I lumped The Voice and The New Normal together. For The New Normal, I would give it 4.5 stars still. So cute. I love it. No critisizms.

Look out for Anatole's first post on tonight's Emmy's. He'll be putting that up soon after it...

                                                            -Kisses, V.

P.S.-How many times can you put Melanie “Everyone Else Can Go Home Because You Will Win” Martinez’s Toxic on repeat before it stops being socially acceptable?

The Voice and The New Normal

Mediocre Singing and Baby Making

The Voice, season 3, and The New Normal

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 Popcorn that was better yesterday, but is still good and may still get better, provided you add enough butter

Popcorn that was gone a little too fast, but was good and I want to try it again soon before fully deciding

Monday night, The Voice came back, and it was immediately followed by the series premier of The New Normal.  I’ll talk about The Voice first.

Now, I like The Voice. It’s a great show, and they couldn’t have picked a better team of judges. But this would be really boring if I only praised it, so here’s what sucked. First off, someone get Cee Lo out of that medieval woman’s tunic. No part of that was okay. Second, Blake needs to be able to turn around on his own. He kept waiting for someone else to go first. It’s like he wants competition, or like he’s afraid they’ll end up sucking, and he doesn’t want to be the only one who believed in someone who turned out not so great. It’s annoying. Grow a pair. Yee-haw.

But the biggest problem was (shockingly enough) the singing. I wouldn’t have wanted to be one of the coaches then. They were all good singers, but not one of them had star potential, stage presence, or an exceptional “wow, that person is incredible” feel to them. Last season, for me, that was Juliet Simms. I heard her sing and I was like “Girl, you are so gonna win this. You need to have an album out right now” (and she did at least get into 2^nd place. Close enough.) But in the first episode, the only person who was great was Bryan Keith, who performed “It Will Rain”. His voice was beautiful, and he was one of the few people there who wasn’t trying to be someone else. Everyone else sounded so strained and forced, but with Bryan, it was truly effortless. The person who bombed it the worst that night was Joe Kirkland, singing “Gives You Hell”. I’m all for making a song your own, but butchering is different that altering. He did that whole slightly-off-tempo thing that some people can pull off, but he can’t especially when he does it that much. And no white guy can pull of that many vocal runs.  When I saw Adam turn around for him I was like “umm, what? Are you just trying to get people who you’re okay booting off later? Or are you just tripping on acid?” (side note: if I was going to trip acid with anybody, it would so be Adam Levine)(another side note: If he stops making fun of Blake’s accent, I just might lose all will to live.) I bet you 20 hypothetical dollars Joe “Song-Murderer” Kirkland goes home in the battle rounds. However, with Adam, there is the possibility of his voice actually improving, so maybe I spoke to fast. Maybe I’ll keep my hypothetical dollars.

In any case, I’m hoping that we will still find that one person who blows me away. Oh, and if one more person yodels, I’m killing myself. You understand.

The next night was equally as disappointing. Aquille and Mackenzie Bourg both had some talent, but we still had the problem of star quality and personality. It’s called The Voice, but that doesn’t mean that a voice is all you need to make it in this business.

The third night, however, had some more interesting points. First off, there was Lisa Schinta, whose audition was rushed through (as they did with several of the good ones. Gee thanks.), but her rendition of Teenage Dream was adorable. Maybe it’s the Minnie Mouse voice, but I think she’s my Juliet Simms of the season. Ironically, my second favorite also did a Katy Perry song. Part of Me was performed MarissaAnn, whose voice is as unique as her name. MarissaAnn. Wow. Should I put a space in there? No, it’s fine. Speaking of weird names, Nelly’s Echo was also incredible, but he won’t win. My terrible cable service cut off Nicole Nelson’s performance, but I did manage to see that all 4 judges turned around, and upon listening to her version of Hallelujah on iTunes, I can see why. She has real potential, but again, no star quality.

Speaking of no star quality, there was (last and, for the love of god, least) Domo. Seriously, that is her attempt at a name. She performed Don’t Cha. Apparently this sounded like a good idea to her. Now, if she was physically capable of stepping off her pedestal for enough time to listen to what she’s saying before it leaves her mouth, she might be more likeable. But it was literally physically painful to watch her. Her undeserved ego is the only thing more annoying than her terrible dancing, which reminds me: Honey, the reason that being a singer AND and dancer hasn’t been done on the show is because this show is about your VOICE. Hence the name, genius. Performance is a big part of it too, but it’s not 50/50. And what was with the whole “When I say Do, you say Mo” thing. People like that make me physically ill. Have fun going home in the Battle Rounds, sweetie, and then getting back to not being “the Japanese Lady Gaga”. I honestly can’t tell if she’s more full of bull or herself.

Now, to her credit, I will say that if I watched her blindfolded, and she sung a halfway decent song, she actually has a good voice. But she’s one of those people who, while talented, is no where near as good as they think it is. Get off your high horse, stop the terrible dance moves, and perform an altered version of Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black while just sitting on stool in front of microphone, and we’ll talk, honey.

Following that exceptionally disappointing, but potentially still salvageable, return of The Voice was an all new show from the genius behind Glee. The New Normal is an adorable little show about a gay couple having a baby via a stranger’s lady business. That “lady-business-stranger” already has a daughter, who is apparently very aware of the fact that she was a drunken accident. “L-b-s”, or Goldie (which is apparently her actual name and not just a nickname from her hair) has a Grandmother who puts the big bad wolf from Red Riding Hood to shame. Goldie has the best ringtone for an evil Grandmother EVER. This Grandmother is a racist, homophobic woman plucked straight from the 60’s and thrown into ever-tolerant LA, a mix that is sure to go super great. Also there was Nene Leakes. Apparently Ryan Murphy (that Glee-genius I was talking about) has a thing not only for her, but for the way he writes her characters, because she was essentially the same person as Ross Washington. Normally this would annoy me, but she is so great that I won’t complain.

The second episode of The New Normal was even better. It was a little slower and easier to follow, and it was packed with great one-liners. Which kind of sucks because now I don’t know how to make fun of it.

Let’s hope next weeks is less awesome, and I can come up with some jokes for it.

                                                            -Kisses, V.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games

By: Nicolette Karter

Popped with butter, delicious, but regrettably fattening

        I loved it. All the way around, fantastic movie. I read the book after watching the movie, and I loved that too. I think Suzanne Collins is a great and imaginative writer and the movie did the book justice (I hate when people make a terrible movie based on a great book). I understand that sometimes you have to take things out during adaption and put other things into the movie to convey the feel of the book without narration, and I feel that, even though it had to be adapted (especially to keep it PG-13) they did an incredible job with it.

        So it starts out with our heroine, Katniss, comforting her little sister, Primrose. (People in this movie have creative names, and that’s me saying that.) So, Prim is upset because the Reaping is today, and at the Reaping, people who range from 12-18 years old (or “Tributes”) are chosen. Then these people go off to fight in the Hunger Games, or the worst reality TV on the air in Panem (their country). So when Prim gets chosen, Katniss (making big sisters everywhere look bad) volunteers to take her place.

        Everyone is shocked, because they live in District 12. This Depression-era-esque District reminds me of the book 1984 (it was also made into a movie, but I heard it sucked). Others say this movie is a rip-off of “Battle Royale”, which I also haven’t seen, but I sense similarities based on the title alone. For me, it reminds me of a Greek myth with Theseus and the Minotaur monster. Whatever it reminds you of, I don’t think the makers were trying to rip anything off.

        Anyway, so in the destitute District 12, Tributes (one male & one female) don’t make it out alive. Part of this is because the Games are kind of a catch 22, where the rich Districts keep getting richer, because Tributes who win (called “Victors”) get money, and their District prospers for a while. So, District 12 hasn’t had a Victor in 20-something years, and they only have one (and a drunken one at that). The past Victors are supposed to train the Tributes each year, and pass down survival tips and such, so this District’s Tributes keep dying. Also, because District 12 hasn’t had a Victor in decades, they are, like I’ve previously described, not very rich. The people are starving and weak, so they go into the Games with a disadvantage, thus adding to the Catch 22. I think this is a bit of a jab at our country in the book, a metaphor for our diminishing middle class; having the 1% getting wealthier & the 99% getting worse.

This is something that had to be taken out of the movie because it was in Katniss’ thoughts, and since they didn’t have narration, was cut out. Another thing that was taken out was a lot of the gore in the Arena. I’m not much of a horror-movie fan (I don’t mind blood & guts & whatnot, but I can’t stomach Saw, for example); but the fighting was important to the story! It was supposed to show how brutal the people running this whole shebang (called the Gamemakers) are, & that they are trying to punish the people in the Districts for a revolution that happened almost 100 years ago.

        That being said, I understand why they had to cut the gore out, along with other things like an amputation and back-story for a certain character or two. Partly because of time constraints & adaption issues, but mostly to keep it PG-13 so the people who the books were geared for could watch it. I think that was really cool of the filmmakers to do that; but it gives me a love/hate relationship with the PG-13 issue.

The bottom line is, this is a fantastic movie. The acting, casting, special effects, & adapted script are superb. While I do wish they had left more gore in, I understand all the factors contributing to the adaption changes they had to make; and I would completely recommend this to people.

Glee, Season 4

The Return of Glee

Dun dun dun…

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 ?? Unknown flavor ??

The fall television season is about to start back up, or as I call it, my “my house will remain uncleaned until The Voice is done” season. There are so many great shows returning (New Girl, SNL, Glee, Don’t Trust the B In Apartment 23, etc.) and a whole bevy of newbie’s (The New Normal…actually that’s all that sounds good so far. The Mindy Project will not be getting a second season. It just can’t). However, I’ve decided to focus on one at a time, so for now, it will be Glee.

(Note that I can’t rate this yet because it hasn’t aired. Obviously.)

By show of hands, who here is super pumped for season 4 of Glee? Those who did not raise their hands may go throw themselves off a very tall bridge with a very low tide. Glee is awesome. That is fact. I will not apologize for it. And I have very high hopes for it this season. So far it’s done a pretty good job of staying consistent, considering how hard it is to do. That is, if we ignore Quinn’s temporary insanity that evaporated with almost no reason, Mike suddenly being able to sing even though NOT singing was his whole thing, Blaine’s new bipolar disease, “teen Jesus”, Kurt not getting into NYADA even though he nailed that audition (We need to buy those gold pants for Anatole), and the Trouble Tones’s entire existence. But seasons 1 & 2 were good. And I think season 4 will be as well.

Another thing I didn’t understand about last season was the multiple unresolved plotlines. Like Burt now being a politician. And Shelby magically disappearing. And wasn’t Smiles McPot-O-Gold getting “deported”, but not? And that kid who tried to KILL HIMSELF!?!?! No? None of that happened? Okay.

But luckily, everything can be solved via musical number. So, here’s hoping Glee’s return will signify a new (and also somehow old) era of Klaine happiness, less pointless drama, fully resolved problems, and gangster Artie. And besides, with fabulous guest hosts like Carrie Bradshaw and Mini Goldie Hawn, nothing can go wrong.

Also, if Copper “Cray-cray” Anderson, Ricci “Why Must You Be Gay?” Martin, and Nene “Bronze-Damn-Olympic-Medal/Over-Emphatic-Mouth-Movement” Leakes don’t make returns, I will lose it.

                                                            -Kisses, V.

P.S. - Who else needs Sue’s baby daddy to be Neal Patrick Harris’s Bryan Ryan? (The answer is everyone)

Magic Mike

Falling In Love With Matt Bomer

Magic Mike: The Good, The Bad, And The Super Ripped

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

Popcorn that looks delicious, but then you realize the butter is that fake stuff and it was made yesterday

         

Watching the preview for Magic Mike, one would assume that it’s pretty much cinematic perfection; ripped shirtless guys ripping off clothes from a stage for money. Like Jersey Shore, but with class. Plus any movie with both Channing Tatum and Matt Bomer simply has to be seen multiple times.

            And the stripping scenes did not disappoint.  Although I’m not sure how they were able to do any of that with a straight face, it was pretty great to watch. Aside from the fact that a cheap Florida strip club apparently has an unlimited budget, there were some pretty great routines with great choreography; Mannequin Neal Caffrey, Tarzan, Dr. Dryhump, and Guy-Who-Doesn’t-Work-Here-Uncomfortably-Making-Out-With-A-Chick-He-Just-Met-And-Making-Us-All-Watch-While-Barely-Stripping. Oh, and of course there was a very creative use of umbrellas, although I found myself watching Matt Bomer through the whole scene. And, actually every scene he was in. He pulls focus. Just look at that face.

            But it was every other scene, the non-stripping ones, that (sorry Chan.) sucked. Was there even a plot? It was basically just some guy and a slightly younger guy being almost friends while first guy tries to do second guy’s sister, who has the delightful combination of Kristin Stewart’s emotionless diction and a hipster-idiot-with-no-future’s skewed sense of superiority. What Mr. Tatum could possibly see in her is beyond me. And then younger guy (Alex Pettyfer) does a bunch of drugs, and isn’t friends with first guy (Channing Tatum) because they both had no backstory or character buildup. And there was a weird scene between Alex and Matt Bomer, where he’s feeling up Matt’s wife. In front of him. With his permission. For no reason. And then nothing plays on it again. It didn’t need to be there. It did not help the plot, and it was uncomfortably shoved into the movie.

            At some point Matthew McConaughey’ character, Dallas; whom enjoys playing the guitar in a thong unprovoked (hitting a little close to home, McConaughey?) and owns the club; seems to be a little evil, but it’s hard to say. Because the writing sucked. I think they were attempting to make it seem as though he didn’t care about his workers, but it mostly just seemed like Mike (Tatum) was overreacting to Dallas’s job offer because he feels lost in life. Which is somehow Dallas’s fault. How dare you give me a job. What a villain.

            I gave this movie 2 and a half stars (popcorns?) because I could see what they were trying to do. They wanted to make a movie about a youngish man who can’t seem to get past a certain stage in his life, and it was just poorly executed. The writing earned it a half star, and Matt Bomer’s abs got it the rest.

                                                                                    -Kisses, V.