Corpse Bride

Oops.

Corpse Bride

By Valyrie Mia Stone

Mediocre popcorn, but Tim Burton made it, so it’s okay.

One day, while walking the woods, a man of inproportionate limbs (Victor, played by Johnny Depp) was practicing his wedding vows to a woman he just met (Victoria) because their parents set up the marriage for money, even though they’re all equally broke. At the end of said vows, he put the ring on a hand-shaped limb. Yea, that’s right. Mr. Gangly put an expensive ring on a branch in the middle of a forest. What could go wrong from here? So then Emily (Helena Bonaham Carter) pops out of the ground with said irreplaceable ring on her finger. Oh, and she’s dead. Oops.

If this weren’t made by Tim Burton, it would suck. But, luckily, Mr. Burton has a way of making weird stuff work. The majority of this movie is Victor struggling with the fact that he actually likes Victoria, even though they just met, and doesn’t exactly know how to dump skeleton lady. I mean, chick be dead, so she doesn’t have a lot going for her right now. How can be all like “Hey, crazy dead girl I accidentally married in a forest even though it wasn’t ordained and we don’t have a marriage license, I think we should take some space”? It’s not even like she could kill herself. You know, ‘cause she’s dead.

The best part about this is Danny Elfman’s musical numbers. One in particular ‘Die, Die, We All Pass Away’ is really catchy, and it’s sung by Elfman’s character, Bonejangles. It’s jazzy and fun, and explains what happened to Emily, so that’s good.

I don’t want to give away the ending, but it kinda sucks. It made me sad. And I didn’t care for Victoria. Seriously, it’s her against a literal corpse. How is she more frigid? (zang!)

                                                                  -Kisses, V.