SYAFC1...And No One Loves You.

Hey guys! It’s Anatole. We’re about to start something awesome. Every other Thursday, we will have a guest writer, The Masked Silhouette, post an article. They’re actually a collection of articles in the same theme- “So You’re A Fictional Character”. They’re like self-help guides for our make-believe buddies, and they’re hilarious. Enjoy!

So You’re A Fictional Character

And no one loves you.

By The Masked Silhouette.

So, you’re fictional. It’s okay, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about- some of my best friends are fictional characters (because, let’s be honest, there’s nothing more offensive than having ONE fictional friend). Being fictional is great. You can have one outfit for your entire life and it’s socially acceptable, you never age, you don’t have to pay taxes, and you can walk across an open, gaping abyss (provided you never glance downward). But, sometimes, being fictional can have its drawbacks. You don’t get Social Security benefits, you can get written out of existence, and (for some,) everyone hates you.

“So,” you ask yourself, and subsequently me, “What am I to do when my public image is on the down and down?” Well, making friends as an adult can be tough- and tougher yet if according to modern science, you don’t technically exist. What you need to do is brush up your charisma skills, break out your best smile, and get to networking. Of course, not all advice can apply to all widely- detested fantasy folk. So, follow this guide to find out what kind of beloathed character you are, and improve yourself accordingly.

-The Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off.

I think my long-time penpal, King Joffrey Baratheon said it best when he said, “Lordy-Loo, being famous is harder than shooting an expensive prostitute full of arrows to get off”. (Let’s get that on a T-Shirt).

And he couldn’t be more right. It’s tough to make people like you, and tougher yet to keep it that way. It’s especially tough when you’re a Crazy-Ass Political Jerk-Off. Running a kingdom is hard enough, plus you’ve got to budget time for torturing your 14-year-old fiancée, not moving your lips when you talk, and getting verbally castrated by your even crazy-ass-er grandfather. And then you’re expected to seem nice?

Then, there’s my great aunt’s secret lover, President Snow. Running the Hunger Games is a real bitch. 24 teenagers are all but impossible to control as is, but getting them to put down the One Direction, Proactive, and stolen Playboy’s for long enough to actually get some good ‘ol murdering done is a thankless job.

It’s a tough situation, but it can be managed by following these simple tips:

          -Avoid the ladies. If there’s one thing that can bring down a political jackass, it’s a woman. Sure, there are the types that are way smarter than you even knew was possible (re: Margery Baratheon), but if we’re being honest, they don’t even need to try that hard. Good old Uncle Snow was just leading another, average Hunger Games, when some broad from the projects jumped in. Cut to, he’s got a rebellion on his hands- and all she did was save her sister and feign affection for an obvious second-place-er. Watch out, fellas. Bitches be crazy.

          -Choose your allies carefully. With great power comes great responsibility, and most people need some friends to take a little weight off their shoulders. But choose those friends carefully, as some of them will try to straight-up murder you. Even if they don’t go that far, they could do a plethora of other things. They can sabotage you, try to take your place, sell your secrets, or change the amount of winners allowed in a yearly fight to the death, forcing you to make him kill himself, amazing beard and all.

          -Campaign. As political powergrabbers, you know the importance of a solid campaign. Make sure to advertise well, and above all, get a good slogan. Something short and simple that gets across your best attributes:

-The Over-Enthusiastic Employee.

 Being good at your job is usually a great quality to have. There are, however some people just might be taking things a smidge too seriously. Take, for instance, the man with whom I had a salacious love affair in the late 70’s, Sensei John Kreese from the Karate Kid. Sure, he would have had a child in a wheelchair for a fairly inconsequential reward, but I know from our month-long rendezvous in Paris that he’s actually a great guy. If he’s guilty of any crime, it’s the crime of being an Over-Enthusiastic Employee. Well, that and attempting to force his students to cause potentially permanent damage to minors. But let’s focus on the first one.

                                      My, how I loved you so.

Also under this category is my BFF, the most handsome person I have ever seen in my life, Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

           Look at that face! When did Ryan Gosling get here?

When you watch the movie, it’s easy to think that he’s the bad guy. But if you really think about it, what was it that he really did wrong? His job is to make sure his students receive a full education, and is it explicitly said anywhere that you can’t take that to a hilarious extreme? Maybe. But even if it doesn’t, people still take it a bad way. So, how do you get people to appreciate all your hard work? Well;

-Dial it back. Like, just one hair. I love the enthusiasm, but maybe before you do something drastic, you should take a step back and look at what’s really at stake here. I mean, Johnny, baby, you know I love you, but you teach karate to kids. This isn’t Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, okay? No one’s going to, like, kill your entire family if you lose (although that would have made that movie way more dramatic). Take it easy.

-Hang out around more adults. Both of my examples spend a weird amount of time around kids. Specifically, educating them. It makes a lot of sense that they do rather insane things, as education is one of the most stressful jobs ever. But, I can’t help but feel like you may have not gone to such great lengths if you had, like, one other adult friend, who was like “Dude, you probably shouldn’t go to this kids house just because he’s skipping school. You sound like a crazy person, and remember that you have many other students here. This kid isn’t even 1%. Is this really the biggest problem you have in life? My wife is leaving me for a yoga instructor. Not that you asked! I feel like we don’t talk anymore,” okay, that was not so good an example, but it would have been better than nothing.

-Call me. I miss you, Johnny. I love you. I have always loved you.

-The Unfortunate Unlikeables.

The Unfortunate Unlikeables are an unlucky bunch. It’s not that they do anything wrong, exactly. They’re just so easy to hate.

For example, there’s my nemesis-turned-accomplice Meg Griffin from Family Guy. She’s not a bad person, there’s nothing she does that in any way harms other people, and yet people still want to punch her in the face every time they see her. Or, there’s my cult’s messiah, Jerry from Parks and Rec. Not only does he not do anything bad, but often, he does good things. And yet, everyone around him (sans hot wife and kids) hate him.

If everyone around you hates everything you say for no reason, there really isn’t much you can do. If you try to redeem yourself, it will probably backfire. And, even if it goes off without a hitch, people will still hate you. Your entire character description is “comedic patsy”, and you may as well just accept that. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Except that, for you, it’s the only step.

-The Characters from Smash.

The only thing for you guys to do is move on with your lives and try to remember how good the pilot was.

                                                       It was okay.

Violence on TV.

Violence on TV. 

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 If you are a human being that does not live in a cave, you have probably noticed that there are a lot of television shows out there that show violence. I don’t feel like dragging out this intro, so to put it simply, here are some examples of some of the most violent shows, and whether or not the violence serves a purpose.

It should be noted that I left out Game of Thrones. It’s too obvious. 

 Hannibal, Heroes & Pushing Daisies:

Bryan Fuller, while perhaps not a household name, is pretty much televisions Quentin Tarantino. He’s got a specific, defined tone with everything he does. He can mix the dark and the whimsical with ease, like a less hilarious looking Tim Burton.

With the majority of his work, there’s a great deal of gore. I don’t mean just cool-fight-scenes-with-corn-syrup-blood, I mean sawing-heads-open-and-using-corpses-as-musical-instruments. Shit goes down in his shows. Take, for instance, Heroes. We all know how wildly successful it was (well, season one, anyway, and that’s as long as Fuller stayed on), and we all also remember how we would cringe at the thought of Sylar.

                                                                 NOOOOOOOOO!

The way he would hide in the shadows, the way he crept into that high school at night to murder a teenage girl, and, of course, the way, with the wave of his hand, he could saw into your skull and take your best qualities (so…was he eating it, or what? Did they ever say? Did anyone finish the series? I have so many questions). It gave the series a horror-like edge, and as audience, we find it enticing.

Then came Pushing Daisies. If you have not seen it yet, then I urge you to promptly close your computer, remove your eyeglasses if you wear them, and punch yourself in the face. This show is the best. Just the absolute best. It’s its very own delightful little world, full of bright colors and strange people and more murders then any singular small town should ever have. However, it also shows at least one corpse per episode, usually more, and they’re pretty graphic. In the pilot, there was a man who was missing the majority of his face.

And yet, the show doesn’t feel very horror-y, or even all that gory. Its overall tone is this very cutesy, magical thing. The balance between those two extremes keeps the violence on the show from being too offensive to the audience.  

Then, there’s Hannibal. This is one of the best written and casted shows out there. If you’ve never seen it, I know what you’re thinking. “Val, there’s no way it can be as good as Silence of the Lambs. How can they get someone to make as good a Dr. Lector as Anthony Hopkins?”

                                                          Oh, that’s how.

It’s a great show, however, it also has a lot of weird stuff. Actually, no, weird is when your total at a café is $12.12. Weird is when you smell fresh-baked bread even though your oven is reserved for storage. Here is an unorganized list of things that are by no means “weird”:

Peeling off someone’s back to extend their lungs outward like wings. Making a totem pole out of dissembled corpses of people you murdered. Killing someone, forcing the neck of a cello into their throat, and playing their vocal chords like an instrument (no matter how good it sounds-not cool). Almost killing several people, but keeping them alive to use as fertilizer for your mushroom farm. Assisting a clearly disturbed special agent in his cases while also giving him a psychological evaluation, even as you copycat other murders and eat people, mostly just to screw with him, and also act as a bizarre father figure (uninvited) to an almost-adult with strange, vaguely sexual undertones until you kill her and frame the aforementioned clearly disturbed special agent.

That isn’t weird. It’s barely even okay for the writers (I mean, is it just me, or does any one else think whoever wrote this stuff should maybe talk to a professional? No? We’re all just gonna look the other way here? Okay, whatever...).

A lot of other shows will imply bad things happening, but then pan away and cut to the next scene. This show does not. If something happens to a character, you will be forced to watch it. I mean, sure, in theory you could stop watching it, or at least glance away, but if you’ve seen the show you know you can’t. It’s like a car crash- it’s terrible, but you can’t stop watching even when it starts giving you clinical-grade depression that this guy was in Confessions of a Shopaholic.

But let’s take a look at that for a moment. I mean, yeah they show some messed up things, but imagine, if you will, what it would be like if they didn’t show that stuff? Think about it- the most terrifying Edgar Allen Poe works are the ones where he doesn’t explicitly say how it ends. Why? Because he knows that there is absolutely nothing he could ever write that would be more terrifying on an individual level then what each person can come up with themselves. Plus, then you’ve got the added sting of knowing that you’re the screwed-up person that came up with it. Could you imagine how awful it would be if they forced you to picture the throat-instrument on your own? It would be way worse than just showing it themselves.

If they ever pan away from something, I think it would scar me for life. How deplorable must something be for this show to class it up?

Bottom Line: The violence is plentiful, but either benefits the show, or at least is better than the alternative. Also, marry me, Bryan Fuller.

American Horror Story-Coven: 

In the opening scene of the pilot, we take a look at a torture attic. A slave owner has many slaves in cages. One guy literally has shit sewn into his mouth (a practice she apparently later applies to one of her own daughters. On Christmas. You know, like Santa does.) She puts the head of a bull on this guy, and cuts out people’s inner organs, and killed the baby of her housemaid. And this is just one character. There’s also a magic death vagina; the torturing of a mute, mentally disturbed, possibly perverse (although maybe just lonely?) butler; zombies sawed into pieces (in one of their tamer scenes); an undead frat boy bludgeoning his sexually abusive mother to death; and a burning at the stake.

But, let’s be honest, if you watch the show you know it’s totally worth it. Perhaps pushing it a little, yes, and maybe you turn away at times (I’ve never actually seen the opening scene all the way through), but the show is a badass. Like sulking-in-a-corner-smoking-a-cigarette-wearing-a-black-leather-jacket-driving-away-from-an-explosion-on-a-stolen-motercycle-I-can’t-believe-the-same-guy-made-Glee-badass.

Bottom Line: Set your DVR’s, but remember that it’s totally dignified to sleep with the light on that night.

Scandal: 

With one of the main characters on the show being a former(?) torturer (for more information on becoming a torturer, go to your local job fair!), it is not particularly surprising that there is a fair amount of torture-related gore depicted. But in the most recent episode (Obviously, SPOILERS), they showed Liv's imprisoned mother... how do I put this gently... eating her own wrist to kill herself. So, pretty much, a masturbatory, suicidal Hannibal.  

                                 Twice in one article- doin good, buddy!
 

Now, with most of the gore that they put in this show, it makes sense. It helps us to sympathize with Huck much better. I mean, if they cut away every time he tied someone up, you’d be like “Well, it seems like that’s not a big deal”. But when we watch him drilling into someone’s spleen, we can’t help but want to hug him like a small, fluffy puppy.

                                        Above: how we react to torture. 
 

But did watching a woman go down on her wrists like a rack of ribs really help anything? I mean, couldn’t they have shown her in a hospital bed and just had Daddy Pope talking to the doctor to tell us what went down? Would that have been so terrible? I don’t think it helped the plot, and it mostly felt like they wanted to let the actor show off a little bit.

What’s more, I don’t think that’s as bad as it’s going to be this season. We’re not that far in yet, and Scandal’s got a bit of a habit of topping itself. Take, if you will, the previews for next episode. We know there will be some crazy-ass plot twists (we know this because it’s AN EPISODE OF SCANDAL), and it clearly showed some torture (as foreshadowed) between Huck and Quinn. Now, I don’t know how this will play out gore-wise, but it’s still probably going to be the most intense torture scene they’ve shown. I mean, with all the other times, it’s either been A) on orders, B) between strangers, or C) between people who dislike each other (Huck and Charlie, in case you’ve forgotten). But this time, Huck’s just acting on his own, and, honestly, I feel like he could just have a conversation with her about it (“Say, ol’ buddy, ‘ol pal, are you by any chance working for B613?” “Aww, you got me!), AND there’s always been a slightly romantic, or at least very friendly, connection between them. However, these characters are not meant to be idealistic, and it makes sense that Huck’s first reaction to a suspected betrayal would be tarps and knives, rather then a bottle of tanqueray and some amicable chit-chat. So, for the show, I’m glad to see it will get dark, but based on the previews, it may get flat-out weird. (Did... Did he lick her face? Because, Shonda, baby, there's been enough rape-y things this season, thankyouverymuch). 

Bottom Line: 99% of the time, it helps the plot, but sometimes it feels like they’re explicit just for the sake of pushing the envelope, which is a little bit lazy.

      The Voice: 

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Val, honey, sweetheart, highlight of my day, apple of my eye, light of my life, goddess among humans, surely you have written that wrong. The voice isn't violent. It isn't even scripted!"
 

And you would be right. To the untrained eye, it may appear as just another singing competition. But if my daily letters to the producers have paid off (and, really, it's only a matter of time), if won't be long until they come out with a scripted spin-off:

In a world where you have to give everything to make it big, what will happen when one person takes it too far? (You should have read that in a Vincent Price voice. Charlie Day also acceptable).

Six aspiring singers. Four suspicious coaches. One murder! When one of the contestants drops dead halfway through Roxanne (you don’t have to put on the WHAT!?! What doesn't she have to put on!?!?!?!), will the remaining contestants be able to figure out whodunit- before it's too late? They know they have one week before the killer strikes again. Can they find out Who Silenced The Voice? (Title under reconsideration.)  

Is it the boozy southerner with a penchant for plaid...and revenge? Or the blonde bombshell whose public image took one too many hits? Or the eccentric and unpredictable one, who's also currently on trial? Or is it the tattoo-happy perpetual badass with a possible helium addiction? Let's hope they find out before The Fat Lady Sings. (Title under reconsideration.)   

  My money's on Levine.   

We’ll kill off one character an episode, and keep people changing who they think the killer is (SPOILERS: It’s Carson.)

                                      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bottom Line: You’re welcome, NBC. 

Happy Holidays, guys. Oh, and soon we’re going to have a special guest writer. It’s gonna be awesome.

                                                             -Kisses, V.

People's Sexiest Man Alive 2013

People’s Sexiest Man Alive Contenders

By: Nicolette Karter

 

       Alright, here are my predictions for 2013’s People’s Sexiest Man Alive. It’s really anyone’s guess, there are a lot of hot guys in Hollywood, and I’m often surprised by who is considered hot (like Robert Pattinson is not my cup of tea, but all I hear is how much girls swoon over him; I just don’t get it). But, I think I have it narrowed down to three front-runners, plus three more honorable mentions.

        One of my best bets this year is Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Right now, he doesn’t have anything in theaters, but he had out the sexy rom-com Don Jon, which he wrote, starred in and directed. A man who wears many hats is impressive, & he’s been a versatile actor for quite a while. Funny, handsome, charming & creative (he made a production company called hitRECord), he can sing & dance & act with the best of the best, yet still has a relatable quality about him. All around a lovable fellow, I think it’s his time to be recognized for the sexy man he is.

 

        Who hates Tom Hiddleston, my next pick for SMA? No one, like I literally haven’t heard one person say anything bad about him. This is one of the reasons why I think he’s a definite possibility this year.  He’s reprising his role as Loki in Thor: The Dark World, where he plays a villain, yet fans love the character seemingly just because of him. He also has the sexy indie Only Lovers Left Alive in which he plays a vampire, which are still super popular right now. He has a charming accent, smile & personality, plus a smash hit movie out now.

 

        The last guy on my short list is one that I’m not that fond of, personally. In all honesty I haven’t actually seen anything Benedict Cumberbatch has been in. Yet this year he has been everywhere; he’s the lead in the TV show Sherlock, played a villain in Star Trek into Darkness, was/will be in The Fifth Estate & August: Osage County respectively. He’s in the highly anticipated new Hobbit movie & in the buzzed about 12 Years A Slave. Not to mention I’ve heard a lot of “Oh, he’s so sexy & talented” about him (though he personally doesn’t do it for me), so I think he’s a strong possibility this year.

 

        There are another 3 possibilities that aren’t as strong as the aforementioned, but I feel they deserve an honorable mention because it could still easily be them.

        First up is the star of 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor who is getting a lot of Oscar winner talk for his amazing performance. Usually the SMA isn’t black, but Denzel Washington won in 1996 & I think it’s time for another hot black guy to win.

 

        But another 90’s winner could come back to make a new record. That debonair silver fox George Clooney could win a third time. He won in ’97 and ’06, and the talk he’s gotten for Gravity (haven’t seen it & probably won’t; just not my kind of movie) is all good. Plus people love to break records, and my friend thinks it’ll be him.

        Last but certainly not least is the “Thunder from Down Under” (as called by an honest trailer for Thor, one of his movies; Google it, the makers are funny) Chris Hemsworth. I had him in my top three last year, & he’s back this year because 1.) Look at that face/guns/abs, and 2.) He recently had a hit movie out (Thor: The Dark World) & earlier this year he had out the movie Rush and apparently dropped trou. Note to self: go see that movie.

        In all seriousness, I could be completely wrong, but I think the winner this time around will be Tom Hiddleston. Everyone loves him, and he was in more things this year than my original guess for the title (who was Joseph Gordon-Levitt). Well, if you guys have a better guess tell me. And leave a comment telling me what you want me to review next.

 

 

 

Actor Profile: Angelina Jolie

So, I've never written something like this before, & I wasn't entirely sure what it should include. But I decided to have it be my opinions on a few of the person's movies & not much of their personal life (not that a celebrity's personal life is as private as a normal person's, it's more of a career life & public life, but you know what I mean). If you would rather I have a different format, like you have any criticisms or comments, just let me know & the next time I write a profile, I'll fix it.

Angelina Jolie

By: Nicolette Karter

 

        I love this lady. She is an amazingly talented actress, not to mention a good person, with all of the humanitarian work she does across the globe. {She recently got The Academy’s Do-Gooder award (not the actual name) for all of her work helping those in need.}

        But we are here to talk about her movies. Now, she’s done a lot, I mean I haven’t seen everything, so out of the ones I have seen, I’ll talk about five of them. Not necessarily my 5 favorite or most well-known or ones she got awards for, but some that I like (& have seen) & think she did a good job with.

        First up: Mr. & Mrs. Smith. This is one of her funnier roles, which aren’t as common for her as action-y or dramatic roles; it’s a shame because she’s pretty funny. That said this is primarily an action movie, seeing as the premise is about a married couple who find out they married an assassin. And a rival assassin at that. She obviously plays Mrs. Smith, opposite Brad Pitt’s Mr. Smith; they met on the set & now have 6 kids & are engaged. I really love this movie, partly because it manages to have several genres tie together so well, a quality I like in movies (when they pull it off). It’s an action movie about assassins, a romance about a couple who try to figure out their feelings about their spouse when a big secret is revealed, yet it accomplishes this with wit.

        One of her much less light-hearted roles is as Lisa in the critically-acclaimed Girl, Interrupted, for which she won a SAG, Golden Globe and an Oscar. It’s about a group of women (mainly Winona Ryder’s Susanna) in a psychiatric hospital during the 60’s. All the acting in it was great, but her work was phenomenal, she deserves all those awards. It might make you cry, or you might be heartless, but it’s one of those movies that are supposed to strike a chord with you in some way or another, especially because it’s a true story.

        Hopefully not a true story is Angelina’s movie Taking Lives. Not that serial killers don’t exist; it’s just that this bad guy is so good at his (job? No; passion? Hobby?) killing that it’s scary. Scary good though, especially in this movie where Ethan Hawke comes forward with information about a serial killer that Angelina Jolie is helping the police track down. The twists & turns in this are amazing, and one of my favorite psychological thrillers. Plus, for a serial killer movie, there were some missed opportunity for blatant gore, which some people may not like but anyone who’s read other horror-esque reviews of min now I’m a chicken when it comes to grotesque horror movies.

        Another thriller, but with less horror and more romance, is Original Sin, costarring Antonio Banderas & Thomas Jane. A wealthy single man (Banderas) decides to marry a plain American woman he knows through an ad in the paper, but finds she’s gorgeous (I mean, she’s Angelina, just look at her) & becomes putty in her hands. Unfortunately for him he lives in a thriller & no one is who they say they are in the beginning of this kind of movie, so she deceives him. She takes all his money (which was a lot) & leaves him heartbroken, so he decides to find & kill her. This is movie about love, & it’s rated R, so I would recommend not watching this with your parents or on a first date. Things can (& probably will) get quite awkward hint, hint.

        In the Land of Blood and Honey isn’t starring Ms. Jolie, but it was both written & directed by her, so I thought I should add it. I’m not a huge fan of war movies, but I thought this looked decent (& honestly I was curious about how she would do writing/directing). And I think she did an amazing job with it. It’s about the Bosnian civil war, mostly centering on 2 people on opposite sides who loved each other before the war, & still do, despite impending death & destruction looming over them. It was really well done, especially for her directorial debut. Being in the business her whole life, she probably learned a few things along the way, but still great for a first effort.

        Anyway, I think she is an amazingly talented actress, not to mention so beautiful (& that’s coming from another girl. If junior high taught me nothing else, it’s that I should hate her for being prettier than me but I just can’t).She could have just coasted by on her good looks, but no, she puts her best foot forward in her career, humanitarian work, & personal life. A good person and actress all the way around; good for her. What do you guys think of her? And if there are any other actors/actresses you want me to write about, just let me know.

Here are trailers for all the movies I just reviewed, though please note that the trailer for Girl, Interrupted is misleadingly funny. The actual movie isn't as funny overall as the trailer, so know that now:

 

^ Mr. and Mrs. Smith

^Girl, Interrupted

^Taking Lives

^Original Sin

^In the Land of Blood and Honey

 

 

 

If I wrote the endings to shows.

HIMYM, Mad Men, Breaking Bad.  

How TV Shows would end if everything was awesome.
By Valyrie Mia Stone
                 Hey guys! So, I haven’t been here in quite a while, so let’s play catch-up for one second:

            -I didn’t write anything for the last season of The Voice because I didn’t care quite as much as I did the last two seasons. To recap my opinions- I liked the change of judges but am glad the old ones are returning; my favorite contestant was Caroline Glaser who got kicked off way too soon; Carson Daily is one of my favorite human beings. End of opinions.

            -Hannibal is without a doubt one of the best-written shows ever. Except Game of Thrones. And maybe Lost. You know what? I actually think it’s better than Lost. Suck on that, Mathew Fox. Also, the best acting this year has been Hugh Dancy as Will Graham.

            -I finally saw Parks and Rec. It’s wonderful.

            -I stopped watching Glee at some point. Also, let me take this moment to say how much it absolutely sucks that Cory Montieth died. He was an awesome actor and probably person. I guess I wouldn’t know, I’ve never met him, but he seems very nice. I’ve said before that I don’t like his character, but that’s only been the writing, and even when his character sucked, he did the best job with it he could’ve.

                        What I really wanted to talk about though is not the past television season. It’s this next one. A lot of good shows are ending soon, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how they should end. For example;

                        -How I Met Your Mother-

                                    The writing on this show is really good. They have this way of getting these inside jokes with the audience (ex.- Let’s go to the Mall!, Mustache Marshall, interventions, red cowboy boots, blue French horn, etc.) and it’s going to be sad to see it go. When a show is that good, the ending needs to be ridiculously good. So, let’s start with

                                    How everyone else thinks/wants it to end: Ted meets The Mother, she’s the one, they get married, have kids, everyone lives happily ever after.

                                    Why that sucks: Because that’s what we expect. This show has always been good at knowing what an audience thinks is going to happen, and then they build it up to look like that IS exactly what’s going to happen, and then slap them in the face with whatever they actually decide to do. For example, in the episode where Marshall’s father dies, they have that really cool countdown thing. And the whole time, we’re thinking “Aw man, at the end of the countdown, we’re totally going to find out that one of them can’t have kids, and it’s gonna be really sad”. But then the writers are like “Awww, nah. We’re going to KILL A DUDE. And even though people were preparing themselves for it to get sad, we’re going to reach out and individually punch everyone in the heart.” And that’s good writing.

                                    How I would write the ending: Ted meets the mother, they fall in love, get married, have kids, and then, after the kids are, I don’t know, say the exact age we see them at, Ted realizes that The Mother isn’t The One. (Otherwise, they could call it How I Met The One. But no one ever said the person you have kids with has to be your soul mate, and in real life, they’re often not.)

            “So who IS his soul mate?” you ask. “Wow, way to interrupt” I angrily retort.

            Robin. I mean, come on, it’s kind of always been Robin, hasn’t it? From the pilot, he saw her, and instantly knew that she was the one. Now, yes, he’s been passionate about many(, many) other women since, but has he ever had that instant, lock-eyes-across-the-room-and-know kind of reaction? No. No he has not.

            Need more examples? Okay, how about how Marshall and Lily have those bets about their friends, and one of them involved Marshall thinking that Ted and Robin will end up together. And at the end of one episode, when it seems like he had lost said bet, Lily was like “Pay up”, and he was like, “Not yet…” No? Still not foreshadowing enough for you? Okay, how about the fact that the only reason they broke up in the first place was because they wanted different things, Namely, Robin didn’t want to get married and have kids. Except we find out later that she kind of does want to get married. And if they end up together after Ted already had kids, it’s kind of perfect. Nope? Still unconvinced? Okay, how about in one of the more recent seasons, when Robin was digging in the dirt for that necklace, and no one but Ted knows that she could really use a friend right about then. And then the two of them are talking, and just when they’re talking about signs maybe not really being sighs, it instantly starts pouring rain! I mean, New York weather can be fickle, but come on! If that’s not the universe trying to get your attention, what is? Oh, plus there was his conversation with Lily- you know, the whole “I’d cut my artery and bleed out that necklace to make her happy” thing. Oh, plus he’s had the necklace the whole time!

So, just incase the metaphor was too weak for you, her necklace (you know, the kind of jewelry that hangs directly in front of your heart) was missing. Her distant father can’t read her well enough to know she needs him. Her fiancée can’t read her well enough to know she needs him. Ted bails on this huge job interview to come help her. Why? Because he is the only one who can read her well enough to know she needs him. They eventually find its box, and Robin admits that she saw not finding it as a sign to not get married. Then-what’s this?- they open the box and it’s missing. Then they sit in the rain talking about signs and fate and feelings and such. Then, just incase they weren’t laying it on thick enough, Ted has the one thing she was going out of her way to care about for her wedding day. In fact, he’s had it for years. Just neither of them knew it yet. Boom. Argument won.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about Barney. Yes, I want him to be happy too, but he never had the connection to Robin that Ted has. He’ll probably end up with Quinn or Nora, or something. I haven’t really decided how I think he should end up. All we know is that it’ll be awesome.

To sum this giant ramble up, Ted realizes The One has always been Robin. And then we find out that this is his way of explaining to his kids that he and their mother are getting a divorce. And he needed to tell them the whole story so they understand why he’s going to eventually marry the woman they call “Aunt Robin”. It’s kind of sad, and beautiful, and perfect, and it’s the only ending that would truly fit the show.

            -Mad Men-

                        Mad Men’s not ending this season that I’m aware of, but I still want to share my opinions. I’m not sure how everyone else want it to end, but I want it to be this: Sally is like, crazy messed up, and is contemplating killing Don. And we spend like, an entire season building up to her killing him, but in the end, she can’t. Instead, he ends up killing himself. He just goes p onto the roof, and jumps off, falling to his death. You know- like in the opening credits! Boom. Mind blown.

-Breaking Bad-

                        How everyone else thinks/wants it to end: This one is kind of up in the air. I’ve heard a lot of different opinions. But the one I hear the most is that Jesse ends up killing Walt.

                        Why that sucks: Well, it wouldn’t. Not exactly. That could work. Let’s be honest, however it ends, the writers will be able to make it work. But is it the best it could be? No.

                        How I would write the ending: I’ve had some trouble with this one. I have a few different ideas about it. Four, to be precise. Any of them would be kind of awesome. Here they are, in order from poetic to badass”

            1. Walt finally realizes that he was becoming a cartoon villain who ties damsels to railroad tracks. He decides that that isn’t who he wants to be- he just wanted to help his family and educate youth; but here he was, murdering people for sport (terrible sport idea). So, he decides to make a change. He is going to do some good in the world, help raise his daughter, and maybe become a teacher again, and everything’s going to be okay.

And then he dies.

Like, instantly.

 I mean, how incredible would it be if, after every crazy-insane-deadly-dangerous-stupid-life-threatening thing he’s done, the thing that kills him really is just going to be that cancer. Very. Very incredible.

            2. He realizes he’s bad, decides to make a change, blah blah, whatever.

And then he dies.

But this time, it’s not from the cancer. Turns out, this whole time, he’s had a completely different illness that no one’s caught. Now, this may not be medically sound in the real world, but just for the purposes of a TV show, how cool would it be if everyone’s been worried about the cancer and the drug-dealing, and he just dies of, like, a heart attack or something completely unexpected. Very. Very cool.

3. He and Jesse have some huge fight, and it gets physical, and while neither of them intended to kill the other, it gets to the point where Jesse’s got a knife and he’s about to kill Walt. So there he is, and he’s got this mental debate going- can his conscience really handle killing Walt? Can his conscience really handle letting Walt live?- and he decides he has to do it.

And then Walt shoots Jesse. Just, like kills him. He didn’t exactly mean to, but it was kill or be killed and his instincts just took over. He’s killed before, a ridiculously large amount, and not felt bad about it. But this is different. This is Jesse. They don’t exactly like each other, but they have a bizarre camaraderie.

The guilt is overwhelming, and he realized the person he’s become, and he goes outside and walks. He just walks. For a long time, actually. And finally, he’s out in the middle of the desert. In fact, he’s in the exact spot he was at in the pilot. When the RV went off the road a bit, and he walked to the road and put a gun to his head, and just barely didn’t pull the trigger. Except this time, he puts the gun to his head and he does pull the trigger. He just dies in the exact spot he could have died 5 seasons ago.

4. He and Jesse still have that fight thing, and it plays out exactly the same, except that after he kills Jesse and realizes what he’s become, but this time there’s no guilt. He doesn’t hate what he’s become, he relishes it. He goes outside and walks away, but this time, it’s not like a sad, confused, suicide walk. He’s just leaving. Off to go cook some more meth or kill some more people or club seal puppies or whatever awful thing he’s now capable. There’s this voice over of a haunting monologue, simmer to the “I am the one who knocks” thing, but this time, it’s somehow scarier. I mean, with most of these antihero shows (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter), the main character should die in the end. It’s what they deserve. And it’s what Walt deserves. But how awesome would it be for him to NOT get what he deserves, and instead just always be this looming, scary villain who’s capable of anything? Very. Very awesome.