ZombieLand

Zombie Land

By: Nicolette Karter

        As I’ve said in the past, I’m not a huge fan of horror films, but this isn’t really one in my opinion; it’s kind of mild for it to be considered horror. It’s gory, yes, but I can stomach this. Plus it’s funny & has Woody Harrelson, so I’ll live with any amount of gore there may be in it.

        The basic premise of this is a post-apocalyptic world filled with zombies, & how to live through it. There are 4 human (non-zombie) characters, lead by the meek Jesse Eisenberg (Columbus). He meets the hilarious Woody Harrelson (Tallahassee), sarcastic Emma Stone (Wichita), and the precocious Abigail Breslin (Little Rock). The reason these characters are named after towns is because they don’t want to get attached to each other, but they become friends because who doesn’t make friends in a zombie-ridden world? Anyway, I thought the make-up was really well done, and the acting was good too. The script is probably one of my favorite parts of this film because the writers managed to make this into a gory comedy, which is fun for this time of year. (Or anytime, really; but especially Halloween)

        So, the writers (& Woody Harrelson) somehow made a man who’s on a quest for the last Twinkie, snarky, foul-mouthed, & a great zombie-killer a bad-ass. If that character wasn’t done just so, then Tallahassee would have been an incredibly stupid person & dragged the whole film quality down. I love when film-makers take risks on scripts & characters, & manage to pull it off; it really speaks to their skills to turn something that could flop horribly into something awesome.

        Speaking of something horrible, that reminds me that there was a cameo by Bill Murray, who played himself. The gang is headed to some park in California, & on the way makes a pit stop in Hollywood, & they decide to crash at a celebrity’s house. The house, well mansion really, belonged to Bill Murray, who is still a human, & dresses up as a zombie so e blends in. Which is actually smart, & it works, so good for him. As expected, people still have a sense of humor while hiding from human-eating zombies, & Tallahassee, Wichita, & Bill Murray play a prank on Columbus & Little Rock. This is one of those situations that starts with “You know what we should do?” & ends with “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” So, in his zombie make-up & attire, Mr. Murray sneaks up on Columbus & Little Rock, who don’t know he’s a human. Sounds like a good prank, right? Well as a meek, overly-cautious young man/boy, Columbus always has a loaded gun around him, & shoots the oncoming zombie. Not sounding so good anymore, uh Bill Murray? That is the end of Bill Murray’s role in this film. It sounds bad, but it was actually really funny. (Unless you’re Bill Murray, I guess.)

        So, remember how I mentioned they are going to a park? This is the location of the climax, where there is a big fight with zombies. And the best part is the humans used the rides & booths in the fight. Creative & entertaining! Much like the whole movie. Just because of this, I’m tempted to mail Woody Harrelson a Twinkie, but that would be creepy and I don’t know his address.

        So, I would totally recommend this movie, it’s funny, well-made, & perfect for this time of year. What did you guys think of this movie? Was it awesome or do you shy away from movies with even a little gore in it? In which case, I wish you luck this Halloween season.

Clue

“I can’t unlock the door without the key!”

Clue

By: Anatole Moreau

Caramel Corn.

Hello! I’m Anatole. As the second part of our Halloween Reviews, I will be doing the deliciously 80’s Clue. Now, you may notice that none of our Halloween Reviews movies are actually horror. Or even remotely frightening. But that’s because horror movies suck. I will never understand their draw. The scariest movie I’ve seen is The Phantom of the Opera, and that was only because it’s a musical.

Anyways, for those of you who haven’t seen Clue, go watch it. It’s fantastic. The cast alone is fantastic; Tim Curry (Wadsworth), Madeline Kahn (Mrs. White), Christopher Lloyd (Professor Plum), Eileen Brennan (Mrs. Peacock), Michael McKean (Mr. Green), Martin Mull (Colonel Mustard), Colleen Camp (Yvette), and Lesley Ann Warren (Miss Scarlet).

So, all our color-named friends are invited to this creepy mansion, and for some reason they all decide to attend even though they have no idea who the host is. Wadsworth, the butler (“What exactly do you do, sir?” “Well, I butle.”) is there too, as is Yvette, the maid, and a chef whose name I do not remember. Was she just chef? Did she even have a name? Eh, who knows (um, Google does).

Also there is Mr. Body, who is sort of a huge jerk. Not in like an underdog-who-you-love-even-though-he’s-a-jerk-like-Chuck-Bass-on-Gossip-Girl-kind-of-way, but just a full-on jerk. So, it is revealed that they are all being blackmailed, and the blackmailer is Mr. Body (you jerk). Then Mr. Body says “Just let me get my bag from the hall” in the single creepiest way possible, and gives everyone a weapon (see the list of weapons in the board game) in the hopes that someone will kill Wadsworth, and their secrets will die with him. He turns off the lights, and after some strange noises, Mrs. Peacock turns them back on and Mr. Body is lying the ground dead.

Well, Jerk, what did you expect? “Hey everybody, I’m the one blackmailing you! Now, here’s a bunch of weapons!” isn’t exactly a solid life plan.

This movie is full of witty retorts, running in groups down hallways, and so many dead bodies that even they stop getting freaked out by it (sorry chef, you’re next! So is a singing telegram in one of the movies funnier moments- “I am your singing telegram!” Bang!).

I don’t want to reveal too much about it for our friends whom have yet to see it, but leave your favorite quote from the movie in the comments and we’ll enter you in our Halloween Reviews Raffle.

What is the Halloween Reviews Raffle, you ask? Good question, I answer! If you comment on any of our Halloween Reviews, you will be entered into it. For the winner, we will mention your blog in our next post (if you don’t have a blog, then we’ll just say something nice about you. Maybe we’ll compliment your hat. Who knows?).

I know, I know, it’s kind of a sucky prize. But, hey, if you start commenting and spreading the word, then we will get more popular and can give you better prizes, like a bunch of candy, or some money, or a new car! (hey, you never know).

So, PLEASE leave a comment! I beg it of you! We just want to know that someone out there has read this.

                             ~Love and wishes of new cars to you all,                                                 Anatole

The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride

By: Nicolette Karter

        I don’t even remember the first time I watched this, that is how long I’ve been watching this movie. I get a thrill every time I see this, & I’ve been watching this my whole life.

        I heard that when this first came out in 1987, only a few people liked it; it opened in 16^th on its first box office. Ouch. But now it’s a modern day classic & almost everyone has at least heard of it, if not seen it. (I bet the John Carter filmmakers are hoping for that scenario, uh?) And everyone I know who’s seen this absolutely loves it; I know someone my age that has a shirt with Mandy Patinkin’s famous “You killed my father” line on it.

In the credits it says that this was based on a book by William Goldman, and he also wrote the screenplay so that the movie did his book justice. Although I have yet to read this book, I think everyone involved with the production of this stayed true to the book. I read that it took 14 years to get this made from book to movie because Mr. Goldman took so much time & care on choosing the people who would be a part of it, like the director, Rob Reiner. I like that Mr. Goldman took such pride in his work. As a writer he took care in his book, and even though some writers snub their noses at movies because it’s “selling out” or something, he also took care that his movie was as wonderful as it could be.

Speaking of wonderful things, I also read that when Billy Crystal was doing his scene as Miracle Max, people had to leave the set because he was so funny. Apparently a lot of the lines were ad-libbed by him, and Rob Reiner (the director, as I said) had to leave the set during his scene because he would laugh so much & so hard that he would get sick &/or ruin the take. And Mr. Pantinkin says he got a bruised rib from holding in his laughter. I love Billy Crystal so much, he is hilarious.

But, really this whole movie is funny (at least at times). Which is nice, because this is a romance with some sinister characters and dramatic scenes, yet the filmmakers managed to keep it humorous. I credit some of that to the interjections by the Grandson & Grandfather. Again, I haven’t read the book, but I assume it doesn’t start out with someone reading a book to someone else. And, seeing as this was based on a book, it was a really cool way to introduce the story & interject some plot points that may not have adapted onto the screen very well, not to mention add more wit.

And apparently they edited out some more gore-y details, and now it’s PG; so kids can enjoy this as well, which is nice because it’s a nice fairy tale that people of all ages can take pleasure in. It’s especially nice because I heard that Mr. Goldman was having a bit of writers block before this, & asked his 2 daughters what his book should be about. One said princesses & one said brides, so I’ll go out on a limb & guess he took the advice. Seeing as he kind of wrote it with his daughters (probably quite young, based on the answers they gave) in mind, it’s nice this was a movie little kids can watch. But I’m not a little kid & still watch it, even without a little kid around as an excuse to see this; which is either a compliment to the filmmakers or a problem I should see someone about.

What about you, reader? This is not really a review or a critique so much as me just talking & I’m sorry if you are disappointed by that, but what do you think of the movie? Are you obsessed like me? Or possibly a whippersnapper who has no idea what I’m talking about? Either way, if you haven’t seen this movie, do because it’s fantastic.

Glee, season 4

Britney, Blam, and Break-ups

Season 4 of Glee

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 Popcorn that isn’t exactly bad, it’s just way too salty. And way too anti-Klaine-y.

Glee has returned. A few weeks ago, actually, but I’m lumping the first clump of episodes together before they go on break. Because they simply couldn’t have an episode a week consistently. It’s like they put out 4 or 5, and then they get tired and have to take a month-long nap. It’s ridiculous. Even I don’t take month-long laps.

The first episode, The New Rachel, welcomed some newcomers. There’s Jake “Just Jake” Puckerman, who is Puck’s half brother, which had a few plot holes just by itself. Like how does Jake know about having an almost-sibling when Puck doesn’t? And have they always lived in the same town, because it’s pretty small and how could they have not met? And do they realize that they can’t replace Puck with an annoying, vaguely younger half-brother? Because they can’t and they should know that.

Then there’s Marley, who is so boring, that my fingers are going numb from typing about her. And, for some reason, there’s Kitty, who is apparently designed to be their only un-relatable character, who has no redeemable qualities or likeability in any fashion. She seems like the attempted combination of Quinn and Sue, but without the decency to get pregnant or eloquently and humorously insult someone 18 times in a single sentence. Not that she doesn’t try. To insult, that is (see every sentence that’s ever left her mouth). She has the insult part down, but they aren’t funny or witty or pertinent or fast enough and YOU WILL NEVER BE SUE! Also, the only person who can pull off the name “Kitty” is from That 70’s Show.

So these three characters have a unique and never before seen plot. The nerdy, unpopular girl only feels at home in Glee Club, and so does the guy she’s in love with, who she says barely even knows she’s alive even though they’ve had multiple meaningful conversations/songs they both know all the words to. But he has a cheerleader girlfriend who hates the Glee Club, and especially Nerd Chick. But then he ends up leaving Cheerleader Chick for Glee Chick.

Oh, I’m sorry I accidentally put the synopsis for Rachel, Fin, and Quinn in season 1. For Marley, Jake, and Kitty, it’s this:

The nerdy, unpopular girl only feels at home in Glee Club, and so does the guy she’s in love with, who she says barely even knows she’s alive even though they’ve had multiple meaningful conversations/song they both know all the words to. But he has a cheerleader girlfriend who hates the Glee Club, and especially Nerd Chick. But then he ends up leaving Cheerleader Chick for Glee Chick.

Yeah. That happened.

I make fun, but seriously, not only should they not have re-done that whole fiasco (which is also the plotline to every 80’s teen movie ever made), but more than anything, they shouldn’t have clumped the three newbie’s together. Us Glee fans don’t like newcomers in the first place, and that secluded them even more. It feels like periodically throughout Glee, they accidentally air a different show entirely. And that show is called “Knock-off Glee”. And that show sucks.

In season 2 they did a good job of weaving in newbie’s. Sam, Blaine, Beiste (who disappeared this season…). But in season 3, they started to slip. Like Sugar, who insults everyone with Asperger’s. And, for some reason, has the name of “Sugar”. And now they just repeat plotlines and seclude them from anything else going on in the show.

So, until Marley and Sam start a salacious affair, I’m simply going to ignore them.

I would like to take a moment to point out that Rory McLeprechaun disappeared. A lot of other characters weren’t here, but they graduated, and we knew they left. Rory was getting “deported”, but it was painfully obvious he was lying about it. So why write him off without even mentioning it once. Not even a “So, he seriously got deported, so we need more members”.

More members. That reminds me. Now that the Glee Club won a national championship, they’re really popular. Because that’s how that works. So now everybody wants to be in Glee Club. But somehow there are only two people who have any sort of talent at all in that school who wasn’t already in Glee. And I’ve already said that I’m ignoring both of them. Marley and Jake were both pretty good, but Jake was cut off for time (and she wasn’t?) and then he got mediocrely angry and pushed over a music stand. And that is totally unforgivable. But my point is, they only let Marley in. But they need a lot more members. They should be able to get over a short temper. And since when are they picky about auditions?

Also new to the club is Unique. You know, that drag queen from last season. Because, even though they tormented Kurt for just being gay, this school has no problem with a new kid in a dress and heels. Also, he is really getting on my nerves. I’m not sure why, but he is.

So, after a plotline about Kurt not being in New York for a little while that I’m just going to skip over, he and Rachel get an apartment in NYC together. She’s going to NYADA and has the world’s most perfect dance teacher (Kate Hudson). There’s also this guy Brody, who is basically in love with her after meeting in the shower (not as weird as it sounds). Kurt works at Vogue.com and his boss is Sarah Jessica Parker. More on them later.

They did a repeat of Britney Week because Brittany was in a spiraling depression because Santana is in college. Now, I get that that sucks, but they are victimizing her and Blaine because Santana and Kurt graduated. What did they think was going to happen? They’d just follow them to their classes for a year? They have stuff to do. Get over yourselves. Anyway, there was this tender moment between Brittany and Sam after he knew that her depression was only to make a comeback (really?), and it sort of implied a future romance between the two, which is running the risk of dashing my Marley/Sam dreams. Only time will tell…

In the third episode, Blaine was running against Brittany for senior president. I’m just going to look over the fact that Britt was held back and therefore should not be allowed to be senior class president. They each have a running mate (which Sue pointed out was new and unprovoked. Thank you Sue.), Britt is with Artie and Blaine is with Sam. Long story short, Blam (well, I’m not going to call them Saine) won. Shocker. There was also some progress with Rachel-Brody and just as they kissed, Finn shows up at her door.

Now, was I the only one who thought they broke up? Because I think once you take your fiancée to the train station instead of the chapel on your wedding day, it’s official enough to write a terrible country song about (I think that’s on Taylor Swift’s new album…). But apparently, they’re still a thing. To answer all your Finn-related questions right now, he shot himself in the leg in military training, backpacked for awhile, and now shows up like he was invited. He finds out that she kissed Brody (what did he think when he walked in on the two of them with candles and alcohol and guilt?) and got unreasonably angry with her (hey, honey, you remember that time you put me on a train instead of marrying me? Well, now we’re even) and then left the next morning before she woke up. Classy.

They weren’t the only ones with relationship problems, Will and Emma, who I haven’t really cared about since season 2, are in a fight. He’s doing some political thing (what about Burt?) and now that he’s moving, he just assumes that she’s going along for the ride. They both got unnecessarily upset about it, as he seems to be doing a lot lately, and now who knows what’s going on.

Also, Santana and Brittany broke up because Santana is smart enough to know that long-distance relationships tend to not work.

Then there was Klaine. Blaine is all upset because he feels like Kurt left him (see my earlier rant about this, but I will admit he did change schools for him, but still, he knew then that Kurt would eventually graduate) and so after Kurt can’t talk because he has a job, Blaine gets all sad and lonely. Some guy named Eli is texting him, and next we see, Blaine is in NYC with Kurt, Rachel and Finn (pre-Rachel-Finn fight). When the 4 of them go to “Callbacks” (great name for a karaoke bar), Blaine sings this super depressing version of Teenage Dream. I missed the Warbler’s…

Kurt notices that that was really sad, and while they were walking home, the two have a little chat in which Blaine admits to cheating on Kurt. About this time, Klaine fans everywhere paused the show, got several pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy Ice Cream as well as a minimum of two boxes of Kleenax, and continued watching the show whilst sobbing uncontrollably. Several musical numbers, a bouquet of flowers, and the dramatic throwing away of the card that came with said flowers later, we still aren’t sure where they stand, but it can be assumed that they are no more. This is when those Kaine fans go to the nearest convenience store because they have now had all the chocolate they could find in their house, and they still have yet to drown their sorrows.

Finnchel have a more conclusive ending. After he won’t answer her calls, Rachel hops a flight to Lima, where Finn is visiting old friends. And by visiting I mean crying on the shoulders of without asking how they’re doing. Lea Michele’s best acting comes out here, and she talks at him for a little while, and then announces that they are done. Good. Please don’t kill me Glee fans, but I do not care for Finn. I think he’s a self-absorbed jerk who can’t even see how much of a self-absorbed jerk he is. Good riddance. Oh, and for the love of god, just become a teacher already. That’s the only thing you’re going to be happy doing. You are so dumb.

So, we’ll have to see what happens next in November. Which is really sad, because I was hoping for another Rocky Horror Glee Show-esque Halloween episode.

By the way, about The Voice this week, I'm pretty happy with it, and I love love LOVE the now stealing thingy. And I am soooo glad that Adam chose Melnie "breathy whisper voice" Martinez. Congratulations in advance for winning, Mr. Levine. 4 stars.  

Anyways, so what did you think? And if the answer is anything other that ‘Oh, I agree with you because you are so smart and insightful”, then lie.

                                                -Kisses, V.

Young Frankenstein (Nicci) & A Forward (Anatole)

Hello! I’m Anatole, and I know I haven’t posted anything yet, but I’m still alive. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all (and by “you all”, I mean the one person who sometimes accidentally clicks our link) know that we will be doing several Halloween-Themed Reviews throughout the month of October. The first one here is by Nicolette, and it’s a nice 70’s throwback to Young Frankenstein. Enjoy, and watch for the next Halloween Review!

                                ~Love and wishes of Gene Wilder jokes to you.

                                Anatole Moreau

 

Young Frankenstein

By: Nicolette Karter

        Gene Wilder, you are a comic genius. If I could do so without getting arrested, I would totally hug you. So, everyone knows the story of Frankenstein & his monster, but Mel Brooks puts a comedic twist on it; and in black & white, which I think is really cool.

        So, it starts out with Dr. Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) getting news that his late grandfather (whose research made the family name infamous) has bestowed everything to him. But Dr. F (as he will be called) has forsaken the family name, even pronouncing it Frah-nk-en-sh-teen instead of saying it correctly, so he is obviously not too happy about this turn of events. But for me, this turn of events lead to some questions. Like, were there no other family members to give all the dead guys possessions to? Such as one that hasn’t deserted the family name? And even though Dr. F & his grandfather didn’t get along or agree on their studies (they’re both scientists), is Dr. F not even a little sad to learn his grandfather (& apparently only relative) is dead?

        Anyway, Dr. F reluctantly agrees to leave his fiancée Elizabeth (played by the hilarious Madeline Kahn) check out this castle & meets Igor (the sidekick/assistant), Inga (the hot, ditzy assistant), and Frau “Ovaltine” Blucher (the housekeeper). While there, he finds secret passageways that lead to a finding of Dr. F’s grandfather’s book with all of his research & secrets to reanimation. This is when Dr. F accepts that this work isn’t so bad, & he will now attempt to make a Frankenstein monster himself. After running into the weird Inspector Kemp while grave digging (which is illegal), & after Igor acquires the wrong brain for the monster, Dr. F does the whole “I’m insane & dramatic, yet funny while yelling up here getting struck by lightning during the reanimation of my monster” as only Gene Wilder can pull off.

        Once the monster is alive, Dr. F finds out Igor gave him an idiot brain instead of a genius, like he was asked to get. So, while he was getting cheered up, the monster gets loose & wreaks havoc on the town. While I love funny movies nowadays, and stupid, gross dirty jokes are funny, I sometimes miss the humor of this part of the film. It’s silly, yes, but throughout the film there are jokes that aren’t, for lack of a better phrase, “dumbass jokes” if you know what I mean. Just clean humor that everyone can enjoy. Yes, the movie has dirty and stupid and gross jokes, but not just those kinds, which I think is cool of Mel Brooks. All of his films (that I’ve seen) have a combination of all of types of jokes. I also like how this film is entirely in black & white, as I said earlier.

        So, after Dr. F, his team & his monster reconcile, everyone already hates the monster, so the team all decide to teach the monster things, like talking normally. This is so Dr. F can have his esteemed colleagues get a look at the monster in a good light, & this will happen via musical number. This is a perfect example of that clean humor I was talking about. I love Gene Wilder, & I guess everyone else involved because this movie is fantastic. And perfect for a funny Halloween movie night.

The Voice week 2

Welcome Back

The Voice’s second week

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

Popcorn that magically gets better with age.

I was wrong about The Voice. I honestly thought it was beginning to slowly drift away. But just when I was beginning to lose hope, The Voice makes a comeback before it even started sucking. I love you, The Voice. You’re so cool. I was going to give you 5 stars, but I like being the father that will never be proud of you. You got all A’s on your report card? Hmm, the Smith’s boy got all A+’s.

Anyway, welcome back home without even having  left.

So, Monday’s show really got me hooked. I mean, this season is still sort of accidentally dedicated to good voices not attached to star personalities, and there were still plenty of those, but still. Most of them were just mediocrely impressive, such as Brian Scartocci, who looks like Stanley Tucci impersonating Chris Daughtry and working as a day manager for Best Buy.

But there were some real talents, and a lot of potential. First off, there was Kelly Crapa (Do not make a joke about her last name, must not make a joke about her last name…). Now I’m not the biggest fan of country music, by which I mean it has no place in existence as far as I’m concerned, but she was good, and she looked like Ashley Greene. Not that that effects her voice, I just wanted to share my thoughts. There was also Alessandra Guercio, who I easily could have hated, but I don’t. She’s one of those people who is really, unashamedly confident, so some people think she’s conceited. Now, she may be conceited, I can’t tell yet, but I don’t think so. And her voice is beautiful, aside from the terrible song choice. She should sing Somebody That I Used To   Know set just to her voice and dramatic harp playing. That would be really amazing. Paulina was another one of those that they rushed through, but go listen to that clip of her on iTunes. Right now. Go. Good, right? She has so much potential. I am really looking forward to seeing what she does next.

And then there was Melanie Martinez. Melanie “Foot Tambourine” Martinez. Melanie “Daphne Guinness Hair” Martinez. She sounds like a haunting Minnie Mouse, and it’s not just the bow in her hair. I hope she wins, I really do. I would so buy her album if she made one. I would love to hear her do Smooth Criminal. But, really, she could sing me the Atlanta Phonebook and I’d be happy. Wow, just wow.

Speaking of “wow”, there was Nicholas David. First off, I automatically don’t like people with 2 first names. Second, he looks like a methed-out Santa. I was like, wow, anyone this weird must be able to sing. Nope. All the back-ally-behind-a-Toys-R-Us-drug-dealer with none of the talent.

There was also that Cupid guy. If he had done a slow version of that song, just to piano, or even a different song entirely, it would have been good. Nice try, honey.

And then there was Beat Frequency, who did E.T. Before their performance, I hated them. They are weird, and she so soooooo shot out, it’s ridiculous. But their voices, together, were amazing. I’ve never really like the duo’s, but they may just go far.

At some point, they showed a clip of Christina Agulera’s new single “Your Body”. It’s a little slow for her, but really good. Looks like The Voice isn’t the only one making it’s way back home. Welcome back, Christina, welcome back. We’ve missed you.

The second episode of the week was a little more mundane, but I’ll probably think that of every episode that doesn’t heavily feature Melanie “Cutest Tooth Gap Ever” Martinez. Seriously girl, I love you. No one was bad, no one was exceptional. I look forward to seeing what they do, though.

All this said, Blake is getting on my nerves. You're on my list Shelton...

So far, the ones I’m really watching for are Melanie “Best Toxic Remix Ever” Martinez, Paulina, Lisa Schinta, MarissaAnn, Beat Frequency, and Alessandra Guercio. Bryan Keith will go far, but he won’t win.

Also, I know last week, I lumped The Voice and The New Normal together. For The New Normal, I would give it 4.5 stars still. So cute. I love it. No critisizms.

Look out for Anatole's first post on tonight's Emmy's. He'll be putting that up soon after it...

                                                            -Kisses, V.

P.S.-How many times can you put Melanie “Everyone Else Can Go Home Because You Will Win” Martinez’s Toxic on repeat before it stops being socially acceptable?

The Voice and The New Normal

Mediocre Singing and Baby Making

The Voice, season 3, and The New Normal

By Valyrie Mia Stone.

 Popcorn that was better yesterday, but is still good and may still get better, provided you add enough butter

Popcorn that was gone a little too fast, but was good and I want to try it again soon before fully deciding

Monday night, The Voice came back, and it was immediately followed by the series premier of The New Normal.  I’ll talk about The Voice first.

Now, I like The Voice. It’s a great show, and they couldn’t have picked a better team of judges. But this would be really boring if I only praised it, so here’s what sucked. First off, someone get Cee Lo out of that medieval woman’s tunic. No part of that was okay. Second, Blake needs to be able to turn around on his own. He kept waiting for someone else to go first. It’s like he wants competition, or like he’s afraid they’ll end up sucking, and he doesn’t want to be the only one who believed in someone who turned out not so great. It’s annoying. Grow a pair. Yee-haw.

But the biggest problem was (shockingly enough) the singing. I wouldn’t have wanted to be one of the coaches then. They were all good singers, but not one of them had star potential, stage presence, or an exceptional “wow, that person is incredible” feel to them. Last season, for me, that was Juliet Simms. I heard her sing and I was like “Girl, you are so gonna win this. You need to have an album out right now” (and she did at least get into 2^nd place. Close enough.) But in the first episode, the only person who was great was Bryan Keith, who performed “It Will Rain”. His voice was beautiful, and he was one of the few people there who wasn’t trying to be someone else. Everyone else sounded so strained and forced, but with Bryan, it was truly effortless. The person who bombed it the worst that night was Joe Kirkland, singing “Gives You Hell”. I’m all for making a song your own, but butchering is different that altering. He did that whole slightly-off-tempo thing that some people can pull off, but he can’t especially when he does it that much. And no white guy can pull of that many vocal runs.  When I saw Adam turn around for him I was like “umm, what? Are you just trying to get people who you’re okay booting off later? Or are you just tripping on acid?” (side note: if I was going to trip acid with anybody, it would so be Adam Levine)(another side note: If he stops making fun of Blake’s accent, I just might lose all will to live.) I bet you 20 hypothetical dollars Joe “Song-Murderer” Kirkland goes home in the battle rounds. However, with Adam, there is the possibility of his voice actually improving, so maybe I spoke to fast. Maybe I’ll keep my hypothetical dollars.

In any case, I’m hoping that we will still find that one person who blows me away. Oh, and if one more person yodels, I’m killing myself. You understand.

The next night was equally as disappointing. Aquille and Mackenzie Bourg both had some talent, but we still had the problem of star quality and personality. It’s called The Voice, but that doesn’t mean that a voice is all you need to make it in this business.

The third night, however, had some more interesting points. First off, there was Lisa Schinta, whose audition was rushed through (as they did with several of the good ones. Gee thanks.), but her rendition of Teenage Dream was adorable. Maybe it’s the Minnie Mouse voice, but I think she’s my Juliet Simms of the season. Ironically, my second favorite also did a Katy Perry song. Part of Me was performed MarissaAnn, whose voice is as unique as her name. MarissaAnn. Wow. Should I put a space in there? No, it’s fine. Speaking of weird names, Nelly’s Echo was also incredible, but he won’t win. My terrible cable service cut off Nicole Nelson’s performance, but I did manage to see that all 4 judges turned around, and upon listening to her version of Hallelujah on iTunes, I can see why. She has real potential, but again, no star quality.

Speaking of no star quality, there was (last and, for the love of god, least) Domo. Seriously, that is her attempt at a name. She performed Don’t Cha. Apparently this sounded like a good idea to her. Now, if she was physically capable of stepping off her pedestal for enough time to listen to what she’s saying before it leaves her mouth, she might be more likeable. But it was literally physically painful to watch her. Her undeserved ego is the only thing more annoying than her terrible dancing, which reminds me: Honey, the reason that being a singer AND and dancer hasn’t been done on the show is because this show is about your VOICE. Hence the name, genius. Performance is a big part of it too, but it’s not 50/50. And what was with the whole “When I say Do, you say Mo” thing. People like that make me physically ill. Have fun going home in the Battle Rounds, sweetie, and then getting back to not being “the Japanese Lady Gaga”. I honestly can’t tell if she’s more full of bull or herself.

Now, to her credit, I will say that if I watched her blindfolded, and she sung a halfway decent song, she actually has a good voice. But she’s one of those people who, while talented, is no where near as good as they think it is. Get off your high horse, stop the terrible dance moves, and perform an altered version of Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black while just sitting on stool in front of microphone, and we’ll talk, honey.

Following that exceptionally disappointing, but potentially still salvageable, return of The Voice was an all new show from the genius behind Glee. The New Normal is an adorable little show about a gay couple having a baby via a stranger’s lady business. That “lady-business-stranger” already has a daughter, who is apparently very aware of the fact that she was a drunken accident. “L-b-s”, or Goldie (which is apparently her actual name and not just a nickname from her hair) has a Grandmother who puts the big bad wolf from Red Riding Hood to shame. Goldie has the best ringtone for an evil Grandmother EVER. This Grandmother is a racist, homophobic woman plucked straight from the 60’s and thrown into ever-tolerant LA, a mix that is sure to go super great. Also there was Nene Leakes. Apparently Ryan Murphy (that Glee-genius I was talking about) has a thing not only for her, but for the way he writes her characters, because she was essentially the same person as Ross Washington. Normally this would annoy me, but she is so great that I won’t complain.

The second episode of The New Normal was even better. It was a little slower and easier to follow, and it was packed with great one-liners. Which kind of sucks because now I don’t know how to make fun of it.

Let’s hope next weeks is less awesome, and I can come up with some jokes for it.

                                                            -Kisses, V.